My physical therapist said I should look into seeing a specialist at the Mayo Clinic or Cleveland Clinic. He says it’s not getting better and probably won’t. Nothing’s happening. My toes are useless. They curl up when I walk. Its messing with my spine. Its making my back hurt all the time. He said if it doesn’t change I need to work every day on my core and my strength so that I won’t be wearing things down in the wrong ways.

I think I always thought that it would get better. It would take time but it would eventually end. And him saying this to me just hit me hard I guess. I don’t know. It makes it real again. It makes my pain indefinite. It takes away my light at the end of the tunnel. My hope.

I guess I have thought this whole time if I worked really hard it would get better. If I was patient and dealt with the pain long enough it would eventually subside. And now it seems like it won’t.

Jamie Tworkowski says the sunrise always comes. Every day is new. There is always beauty in pain you just have to find it. I know that is true.But tonight it doesn’t seem like it. Tonight I wish for a life without pain. I cry for my foot that will probably never work properly. My leg that will never run. I don’t know how I can bear this for the rest of my life.

suffering is hard.

I mostly have pain every day. I cry a lot. It’s hard for me to keep a smile on my face all the time. But I know that you are going through something hard too. And your something is different from my something. But if we believe that each day is new. Each day starts with the sunrise. Then we have to believe that there is hope. That there can be beauty from pain and that amidst these struggles and trials there is a light at the end of the tunnel. God can work all things together for good. That doesn’t mean he always makes everything work out great. But it means that He will use every situation. To teach you. To mold you, To shape you into someone more like himself. He is making us more like him. And think of how he suffered.

We don’t need to worry. Each day has enough trouble of its own. So you don’t need to worry about tomorrow. You just do the next right thing. And you do your best. And you work hard. And you never give up. You push on towards the light at the end of that tunnel. Some days will be harder than others. Some days you won’t want to get out of bed. Some days the tears will fall. Some days you will need help and that’s ok. Ask for help. Don’t be so proud. Some days you will need a friend, so call someone. Meet them for coffee or lunch or whatever. Some days are hard. SO hard. I know that. But each day there is a sunrise. Each day starts with hope.