Today was an interesting day. Everything seemed to tie together. I’m still mulling it over in my mind. Trying to figure out how God put all the pieces together and how many different aspects of my day could tie in with each other. From a conversation with a friend far away, to the book I was reading at the gym, the movie I watched tonight with friends, and the song I listened to on the way home. A common thread quietly woven through all the events to bring me to this place. And that is a place of humble surrender.
I have been trying so hard to control everything. A line from a song…my dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made… I have so much on my plate. I am overwhelmed. I make lists, I stay up late, I work hard, I put my hope in others, and others always let me down. I’m good at being in control. I’m good at not sleeping. But I can’t keep it up forever!
A friend disappointed me today. Was deceitful. It hurt. But I realized something. I put way too much into my relationships. I so often base my happiness in life on people’s responses to me. Whether or not they talk to me or respond well to me or hang out with me. I allow them to “name” me as Madeline L’Engle would say. Letting others decide my value. But that’s wrong, my value comes from God. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about me.
Another friend told me today that I need to stop needing people and be more independent and only then will I find the person I am supposed to be with. I don’t completely agree, but I do agree that I need to stop needing people and start only needing Jesus. My life can’t be based upon others actions. People always fail me. Always. They use me, take advantage of me, forget me, and I allow it to deeply hurt my feelings. They are naming me.
Donald Miller was talking about it today too. When I was at the gym. Reading Blue Like Jazz. I wasn’t actually having a conversation with him. Although I wish I was. He liked a girl but it was driving him crazy because he was always worried about what she was thinking or how she was thinking of him and he couldn’t sleep and couldn’t eat and it was making him crazy. So a friend finally told him she didn’t know why he was letting the girl name him. Why was he letting her define how he lived his life?
But I know that I only want One person naming me. I only want One person telling me how to live my life. I’m tired of trying to control. And I know that I can’t just decide to let go, just say it and have it all be better. Its going to have to be a daily surrendering. Every day.
Luke 9:23 says: And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”
He didn’t say one time. He didn’t say once in a while. He said DAILY. Deny yourself daily. Surrender. Every day. So this is my prayer as I go to sleep tonight. That I would remember when I wake up to begin my day with surrender.
My drive home ended on a perfect note. Chris Tomlin, raising his white flag.