Tag Archives: boston marathon survivors

5 years

15 Sunday Apr 2018

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It’s been 5 years. Can you believe that? It’s so crazy! Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like a dream that never happened. I think this week it’s been feeling close because I had to have a small surgery on the toe on my bad leg and have been driving my car with my amazing left foot gas pedal. Brings back so many memories. Remember when I was trying to learn to drive with my left foot and I thought I would surely kill someone? Now it’s second nature and I don’t even have to think about it.

Five years is a long time. But it is also not that long.  A lot of things have changed. I moved away from NY. I bought a house last year! I have (almost) 3 nieces and 1 nephew since the bombing. My parents have also moved to live near my sister and I. I’ve travelled to so many places since the bombing. I’ve grown in so many ways. I think I still have a long ways to go. A lot to learn. But who doesn’t?

I thought I’d share some clips from 2013. In case you haven’t known me long, and don’t know what I’m even talking about. Here’s a BLAST from the past. (pun intended) It’s long so I won’t be offended if you don’t read it all! (there’s some pics at the bottom too!)

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Today I met Steve. Steve was in the ambulance with me when we rode to the hospital. He was watching the marathon with his 4 year old son. He was hurt far worse than I. But all I remember from the ambulance ride is him holding my hand and alternating a between telling me it was going to be ok, and yelling at the medics to find his son who was now all alone. He held my hand the whole way. i have been wondering about him. How he was doing. Did they ever find his son? So today, then the nurse told me the man who rode in the ambulance with me was hoping to see me before he left for rehab, I was of course eager to see him. He came in on a stretcher, on his way out of the hospital. when he saw me tears formed in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. I of course started crying as well. his son had been missing when we were together in the ambulance so I inquired after him first. They foun him and he only had a small scratch on his head an was fine. Thank God. And Steve? He said he was fine. But I pushed. Really fine? No. His leg was missing from the knee down. I cried even more. My leg is useless and probably will be for a very long time, but at least I have it. Steve is going to the same rehab center that I am so as he was pulled out of my room we promised to find each other. I don’t know Steve. But I know he held my hand during some off the scariest moments of my life. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

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When the bomb went off, something made a huge gash in the back of my right leg right near the bend of my knee. It is about a 9-10 inch horizontal cut. It was so deep that it severed my main artery and 2 main nerves. I lost a ton of blood. I think I got at least 4 units, but I’m not sure if I got more than that. My left leg has some cuts on it as well, but nothing that required stitches or anything. It is all black and blue and ugly with scratches and cuts, but it will heal fine. Back to my right leg. So in my first surgery they repaired my artery and cleaned it all up. A portion of my calf was also cut off/blown off? But it was small so it’s not like I’ll have a huge gap in the back of my leg where my calf should be :-). Ok so second surgery I have no idea what they did. Third surgery they reattached my nerves and closed up the wound. My entire leg is in a splint with my knee kept bent at an angle. The reason for this is so that the nerves don’t get stretched while they are trying to heal. I also have a boot on my foot. I am getting a hard cast on Tuesday and it will again be my entire leg. And I’m sure I will keep the boot on my foot.

My foot has no feeling. I have a small spot in the arch of my foot where I can feel if someone is touching me, but other than that, nothing. I also can’t move my foot or my ankle. This is because of the nerves being cut. Nerves repair at a very slow rate. In my case, since the nerve now has to “grow” from my knee to my toes, they said it will take roughly 400 days for the nerve to get all the way down. So I may not feel, or be able to move my toes for over a year. I’m not sure what this means for walking. Also, since it is my right leg this also means I may not be able to drive for over a year. Which is a very frustrating thought!

Since the nerves have been reattached I have CRAZY nerve sensations going on all in my foot and toes which is a really good sign, but still no feeling.

4-29-13

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Psalm 34:7

 

First of all, there must have been hundreds of angels all around us. The new Chris Tomlin song Whom Shall I Fear kept running through my head. “The God of Angel armies is always by my side”. So yes, I believe there were angels all around us. We were so close to the bomb, we should be hurt much worse, or even dead. Although our injuries are extensive, they should have been much worse. Second, Colton brought this up to me today. People keep asking “where was God in all of this?” Just look at the pictures. Look at the chaos and then look at me or Rebekah, or Peter or Kim or Colton. That’s where God was. We are His children, filled with His Spirit. In the midst of chaos, He WAS there. Third, I believe that God gave us so so much grace. Grace to think clearly. To know how to respond in trauma. To know to tie tourniquets. Or to coach people to breathe. Or to know how to communicate with the first responders. Not one of us lost control or freaked out.

Someday I’m sure I will look at the pictures. But I just want you to know today, that God was there. He was with us. We would not be where we are today if it weren’t for Him. And as we are experiencing more and more of His grace everyday, we are amazed and speechless and we just keep clinging to Him.

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side

left footed gas pedal installed in my car

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Toe off AFO that I wore after my leg brace. I had this on my leg for almost a year.

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After the wound healed, it looks a bit better than this now, but these are my scars.

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Full leg brace for MONTHS and crutches for 8 months.

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These two are COMING TO SEE ME TODAY! But they were my first outing I think. They took me out for coffee after they flew in from Kansas to visit me when I got out of the hospital. (yes I’m in a wheelchair)

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scars

22 Monday Sep 2014

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You could grieve endlessly for the loss of time and for the damage done therein. For the dead, and for your own lost self. But what the wisdom of the ages says is that we do well not to grieve on and on. And those old ones knew a thing or two and had some truth to tell. For you can grieve your heart out and in the end you are still where you were. All your grief hasn’t changed a thing. What you have lost will not be returned to you. It will always be lost. You’re left with only your scars to mark the void. All you can choose to do is go on or not. But if you go on, its knowing you carry your scars with you.

Inman
Cold Mountain

France Day 10

10 Saturday May 2014

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The last day! We sailed to the town of Tarascon and explored the town in the pouring rain and crazy winds.

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Everyone had umbrellas from the boat, but the wind was getting the better of them. As we wandered the deserted town we saw abandoned umbrellas everywhere. Laying dejected on the sidewalks.

IMG_8244Tarascon has winds called Black Mistral winds, meaning fierce mistral winds accompanied by pouring rain. They have mistral winds 100 days a year in Tarascon. We braved these winds and walked all over the city. Very few shops were open. We finally found a little cafe and got some pastries and espresso and sat with some other friends from the boat before venturing back out  into the rain.

Tarascon has a saint called Saint Martha. Her story is one of the most awesome stories about saints we had ever heard. There was a monster in Southern France called the Tarasque. It was a sort of dragon with a lion’s head, six short legs like a bear’s, an ox-like body covered with a turtle shell, and a scaly tail that ended in a scorpion’s sting. It ravaged cities and no one could kill it. When Saint Martha arrived in Tarascon she about the Tarasque, went to it and tamed it by singing hymns and prayers to it. She then brought it back to the city where the people, who were still terrified of the beast, killed it. Martha made them feel horrible for killing a tamed beast and converted many of the to Christianity. Crazy. 

That night we played cards and hung out with all our friends on the boat. No one wanted to pack or think about saying goodbye! We stayed up late, drinking French wine, coffee, and feasting on macaroons, cheeses and other delicious snacks we had purchased but didn’t want to pack into our suitcases. In the morning we were separated by color, put onto busses, and taken to the airport in Marseilles. I flew to Boston with Kim and Colton, and then home to NY with mom and dad. What an unforgettable trip. So many amazing memories and so many great new friendships. We will never forget! We are all Boston Strong!

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I don’t feel stronger

18 Friday Apr 2014

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“The world breaks everyone and afterward
many are strong at the broken places.”
Hemingway

How do you feel alone in a city where there are millions of people. Surrounded by other survivors and people who support and love me, I still feel very isolated and alone. Everyone has grief this week. Everyone deals with it in their own way.

News people came over to interview me. I should have said no. I hate doing interviews. Mostly because they are more concerned with their “story” than they are concerned for me. They want a good scoop and they don’t care what they have to do to get it. So why did I say yes this time? I don’t know. I usually avoid the media. With the one year anniversary upon us, I know what she wanted to talk about. How far I’ve come this year. What I am still struggling with. What I’ve learned…

I have come a long way. I started off in the ICU. With a walker. Then with crutches and a full leg cast. Now I calk around barefoot in my house and with a small brace outdoors. I can go 2.7mph on the treadmill. I can pick up marbles with my toes. I didn’t know if they would ever move again. I have a great group of people who support me, love me, and pray for me. I wouldn’t have been able to get through this year without them. I learned so much about God’s strength. I learned so much about finding beauty in pain

But there are still tough days. For sure. I never feel great. I have a lot of back/shoulder/hip pain because of whats going on with my leg. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t really know how I feel about going to the marathon. I don’t really know how to process it. Kim and I were talking about it last night. We are going to go watch from a restaurant that is providing a place for survivors to watch away from the crowds. I don’t know how that will feel. Sometimes I think I will be fine walking through those same crowds again. Sometimes I don’t think I will be able to do it.

The Tribute event on Tuesday was so good. It was great to see people from the France trip, catch up with other survivors and meet some new ones. These people truly are strong. They are the definition of courage. It is so uplifting to be around them. We have all overcome unsurmountable odds. We have survived a terrorist attack. We are still standing. The Vice President’s speech was so eloquent. He said that the survivors, all of us, are defined by our courage.  “You have become the face of America’s resolve. You are the true definition of courage…” Mayor Menino spoke. With great difficulty in his failing health. He is such an inspiration of hope and a true example of a leader amidst chaos. He spoke from his heart. He spoke of our courage and of Boston’s support for us. “When lights dim and cameras go away, know that our support and love for you will never waiver.” He quoted Hemmingway: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places,” He scanned the two sections in the audience that were full of survivors: “You are strong at this broken place.” Hope in this dark place. Hope for the future. Hope that this event one year ago is not what defines us. 

I usually feel pretty good. I usually feel like I can handle it. Like the bombing is my past, but not always on my mind. Most days it seems like a dream, far, far away. But this week. It is here. We are survivors. We remember. We find courage to walk in those places, retrace our steps, stand in the crowds. We are Boston Strong. But I don’t feel stronger.