I’ve been feeling very fragile lately. Do you ever feel that way? I’m not normally a weepy and fragile person. Which now that I have written that down, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with being a weepy and fragile person. It’s just not my typical MO.

I lost my job at the beginning of April. It came out of the blue and hurt me so deeply. I’m also weaning off my SSRI. This has been a LONG process, but I really felt like it was right for my health and my body to not be on this medication anymore. (*Many conversations with my doctor and therapist happened before and during this process.) But this greatly exacerbates the fragile feeling. All my emotions and hormones are going freaky crazy and I know they will regulate eventually but right now its pretty intense.

Every piece of me just feels fragile, and I can literally start crying at a moment’s notice. I’m not good with myself when I feel this way. It is my tendency to push through. Push those feelings aside. Keep working. Keep producing. Ignore the fragility and hopefully it will go away. Keep a smile on my face and act like everything is FINE! Never admit weakness!

I don’t think that is the answer right now though.

At the end of March I really felt like God was telling me that my word for this quarter was going to be “change” and I had no idea what that change looked like, but I wrote it down in my planner and trusted that whatever change was coming, God obviously knew about it before I did. I am not a fan of change. So I wasn’t super stoked that I wrote that down as my “word”. Who wants CHANGE to be their word? Nope. No thank you.

One week into April, I lost my job. I already spend every day feeling not good enough. And this loss only made that feeling worse. I wasn’t even good enough to keep my job. And I had worked so hard to be good at it. I know that isn’t why I lost my job. The client was just going in a different direction. But it is so easy for those thoughts to creep in.

Now I am sitting in this awkward place of “What the heck do I do next?” It feels very midlife crisis-y. I’m 40. Changing careers. I’ll probably sell my house and move. Maybe I should also buy that Mustang I’ve always wanted. (don’t worry I won’t do that) But I’m trying to figure out what to pursue now. What things do I actually enjoy and what things am I actually good at and can I combine those things and somehow turn them into a career?

I play the song by Passion, Shake the Dust Off, over and over. It begins “The King can’t lose His balance, He’s never caught off guard” and it reminds me that God prompted me with the word “change” even before anything happened, and He knew this was coming and He knows what is next.

I’ve already talked about sitting in the discomfort but that keeps coming back to me. I think its time to sit back. Be uncomfortable. Feel the pain. And listen. Listen to what it is saying to me. What things can I learn about yourself or the situation? If you let it, the pain and unease will speak to you. C.S. Lewis says, “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” What is it that God is shouting to me right now?

And I’m going to sit here for a while and be still. And be gentle with my fragile self. I’m going to sit in the discomfort and ask God to show me what the next right thing is. What is it in your life right now that is making you feel fragile? I’d love to hear from you. We can sit in the discomfort together. ❤

I was listening to a podcast while I was driving from Charleston to Asheville last week and the guest speaker said something that really resonated with me. “Sit with the discomfort”

I’ve been rolling those words over and over in my head since then. I think so often we want a quick fix to our problems we are swift to slap a bandaid on the problem without really even figuring out why the problem is there, what the root cause is, or if it is part of a bigger issue.

Last night I started feeling icky. Unsettled. Out of place. Uncomfortable. I was home alone. Watching tv. Just returned from a vacation where I got to spend quality time with some of my best friends. So there’s nothing wrong. But after listening to that podcast, I decided to sit with the discomfort and see if I could figure out what it was trying to tell me. I woke up in the night 4-5 times. Tossed and turned. And this morning got up hours before my alarm because I was so restless. So here I am. Writing this out and sitting with my discomfort. I don’t know yet what I am feeling. But I like the idea of acknowledging it and pondering it instead of dismissing it.

It is uncomfortable to think about the discomfort. And we do not like feeling uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable what do you normally do? Walk away? Change the subject? Ignore the issue? Sweep it under the rug? Pretend everything is fine?

I am a fixer. I want to fix things right away. I jump into fixing mode right away. Here’s a problem, what can we do to fix it?? How can I help? And I know this is beneficial in some circumstances. It’s good to be able to think on your feet and have quick solutions. But sometimes I think we are too quick to try to fix things without really exploring the feelings, the root cause, the deeper issues. Why are you having a bad day? Why are you feeling anxious? What is bringing those feelings up right now? Did something happen to trigger it? Is there something that needs to change?

Maybe we just need to sit here and feel the feelings right now. Sit with the pain and the feelings and the questions. See what they are trying to tell you. Instead of trying to fix it right away. What can we learn by taking some deep breaths and feelings all the things? Maybe you need some time to be quiet. Or pray. Or cry. Or journal. When the tendency is to push things aside, take a few deep breaths. See what your body or mind or Jesus is saying to you. You are feeling discomfort for a reason. And instead of trying to immediately dive into action, take a moment to see if there is anything for you to learn from the pain. Slow down, ask the discomfort what you have to learn from it, and then move on to fixing mode.

• When I started writing this down, I felt like I probably fell way short of my goal. Each year I try to read as many books as I am old. So my goal would be 40. But once I got the list all written down… I realize I am well over and that’s great! I’ve already started about four more books for the start of my 2022 list! What are you reading? I want to know your favorites so I can add them to my list!!!
• 1. Fighting Forward Hannah Brencher
• 2. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry John Mark Comer
• 3. The Four Winds Kristin Hannah
• 4. How to not Die Alone Logan Ury
• 5. Bear Town Fredrik Backman
• 6. The Butterfly Garden Sophie Anderson
• 7. My Oxford Year Julia Whelan
• 8. The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society
• 9. Atomic Habits James Clear
• 10. Share Your Stuff I’ll Go First Laura Tremaine
• 11. Crazy Rich Asians
• 12. Rich People Problems
• 13. China Rich Girlfriend
• 14. The Dark Sea of Darkness Andrew Peterson
• 15. The Last Thing He Told Me Laura Dave
• 16. The Rose Code Kate Quinn
• 17. The Beast’s Heart Life Shallcross
• 18. Outer Order, Inner Calm Gretchen Rubin
• 19. North! Or Be Eaten! Andrew Peterson
• 20. Ballad of Song Birds & Snakes Suzanne Collins
• 21. Maisie Dobbs Jaqueline Winspear
• 22. Magic Hour Kristin Hannah
• 23. The Girl From The Channel Islands Jenny Lecoat
• 24. The Mysterious Benedict Society Trenton Lee Stewart
• 25. The Huntress Kate Quinn
• 26. The Monster in the Hollows Andrew Peterson
• 27. The Warden & The Wolf Andrew Peterson
• 28. Sacred Rhythms
• 29. Firefly Lane Kristin Hannah
• 30. What the most successful people do before breakfast Laura Vanderkam
• 31. 40 Day Sugar Fast Wendy Speake
• 32. The Sorcerers Stone J.K Rowling
• 33. The Chamber of Secrets
• 34. The Prisoner of Azcaban
• 34. The Goblet of Fire
• 35. The Order of the Phoenix
• 36.. The Half Blood Prince
• 37. The Deathly Hallows
• 38. The Magicians Nephew C.S. Lewis
• 39. The Lion The Witch & The Wardrobe
• 40. The Horse & His Boy
• 41. Prince Caspian
• 42. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
• 43. The Silver Chair
• 44. The Last Battle
• 45. Us Against You Fredrik Backman
• 46. Delicious Ruth Reichl

I do not take any time for stillness.

I don’t listen for God.

And I want him to speak to me and show me what I am supposed to do and what is my purpose, but then I don’t spend any time quietly listening for him. He has no chance to speak to me if I am always busy. So maybe this needs to be the year of stillness for me. I don’t need to do anything. Any improvements on my home, and moving about, and big projects or adventures. I just need to make my home a sanctuary where I can be still and listen to God. I don’t need to spend money on frivolous things I think I need.

I just need to be still.

In the noise of life how often do we forget to sit still? Do you ever spend time without your phone, or tv or computer in front of you? Without the music on. Or background noice. Do you ever just sit and listen in stillness?

As I sit and listen I can hear the hum of the heater warming my home. Several birds singing outside in the sunshine. A hawk is sitting on the fence in my neighbors yard. He has been there for the past few days so I guess he has decided to join our little community. He is large and majestic and his screaming call pierces through the morning fog. Fog that is rolling away as the sun breaks through the clouds and chases it back up the mountains. A cardinal cries repeatedly. Calling to its friends. Dorothy goes through 100 pounds of bird food each month, so I’m sure he is telling all his friends there is a glorious buffet awaiting them. An airplane echoes overhead. Thundering through the air and making Nigel cock his head in question. I always tell him “it’s an airplane” but I don’t think he remembers. Will he ever know? A few other birds have joined the cardinal in his song. I do not know all of their voices so I can’t tell you what kinds of birds they all are. My eyes are closed and I am just listening.

The sun is now streaming through my kitchen window warming my face and giving me hope that this day will be beautiful, even if it is cold. My refrigerator starts to hum adding its voice to the chorus. A truck rumbles past on the busy main road. And the heater switches off with a click-click, the fan slowing its motion, leaving me in even more silence. Even the birds are quiet right now. I can hear the low hum of my laptop and the click of my keys as I type these words. Nigel rolls over on his perch where he spends his day looking out the window. The Neighborhood watch. In the stillness do I hear from God? Or do I just hear the low roar of the highway a few miles away. The birds bring up their chorus again. And I’m reminded that God cares for the sparrow. So he will also care for me.

There are so many things to hear in the silence.

I just hope I can learn to hear His voice.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 make it your ambition to lead a quiet life…

I just finished listening to The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer. I can not recommend it enough. It was so, so good and I am still trying to unpack it. I will probably buy it as a physical copy because while listening to books is great and I can do it while I work or clean or drive, sometimes you need to underline and take notes so that you can remember things and I need to do that with this book. It is one of those books that when you finish reading it, you feel like you need to go back to the beginning and read it again. It goes against every single thing we do in our daily lives. If you did all the things he said, you wouldn’t know who you were. You would not have a tv, read 100 books a year, barely touch your phone, walk slowly, spend time in silence, observe a weekly sabbath day, take long vacations, take deep breaths. You would learn to live like Jesus, listen for his Spirit, slow down and find peace for your soul. You would lead a quiet life.

Sound good? Yes. Unattainable? Sort of. I feel like it was an applicable time to read this book right as Lent is about to begin. Tomorrow I start reading 40 Days of Decrease by Alicia Britt Chole, another of my favorites. I read it every year. I have not yet determined what I will give up for lent, but I am convicted now, after reading J.M.’s book that I need it to be something that slows me down.

This is a short post, and I don’t have anything of great importance to tell you. Just… write back. What do you think about living a quiet life? What, if anything, are you giving up for Lent? Have you read The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry? Let’s start a conversation about slowing down, breathing deep, being quiet.

wow guys this year has just been… I don’t even know what to say about it.

2020

amiright?

Staying home, wearing masks, not traveling or seeing the people you love as much as you would like. Or at all… Working from home. Schooling from home.

COVID is affecting everyone. Obviously. But I have been thinking more and more about how our mental health is being scarred. How will we come out of this year and be able to go back into community and not be scared to be near people, or be comfortable in crowds? I was already. uncomfortable in crowds. and this has exponentially increased those fears. How have mental health concerns increased over this year? I did a little digging and here are some stats that I found.

There has been a 93% increase over the 2019 total number of anxiety screens and a 62% increase over the 2019 total number of depression screens. Over 8 in 10 people who took a depression screen have scored with symptoms of moderate to severe depression consistently since the beginning of the pandemic in March 2020. 37% of people reported having thoughts of suicide more than half or nearly every day in September 2020. 70% reported that one of the top three things contributing to their mental health concerns was loneliness or isolation.

 (Stats From Mental Health America: https://www.mhanational.org/issues/state-mental-health-america)

This pandemic is 100% affecting our mental health. Look at that last statistic again. 70% say that one of the top three things contributing to their mental health concerns is loneliness/isolation. Of course we had loneliness and isolation before covid. But the mandated distance from others has severely increased these numbers. The affects of wearing a mask and not seeing people’s smiles or facial expressions can be very isolating. Add in staying 6 ft apart, not being able to hug people, not being able to go about our normal lives, hang out with friends, eat indoors at restaurants… We are not made for this.

But just knowing that doesn’t help. The weight of balancing would you rather get exposed to covid or would you rather preserve your mental health and be in community with others brings pressure and anxiety of its own! Everyone is struggling with the balance. How do I balance being wise, smart, respectful of others, while still maintaining my mental health and community? I do not want to expose myself or others to covid, but, I do not want to neglect my family and friends and church body. I do not want to feel alone nor let others feel alone when I can comfort them or provide rest or encouragement for them.

As the winter months are now upon us and a second stay at home order could be impending. (Who knows if it will come or not.) Finding ways to remain close to others while remaining distant is a constant challenge. One that desperately needs more of our attention. The winter will be hard. I want you to know you are not alone. If you need to spend time with someone reach out to me. I have a great front porch. I know its cold. Ee can bundle up with blankets and coffee. We can face time or talk on the phone. Don’t sit there feeling lonely. Reach out to someone else. Chances are they are feeling lonely too. Let’s make the rest of this pandemic a really sweet time to get (safely) closer to the people around us.

How can we break up the loneliness? How can we spread love and joy to others? How can we create community, and closeness, and “embrace” those who are feeling alone? What are some creative ways you have found to create community while remaining socially distant? I’d love to hear your ideas!