I’ve been feeling very fragile lately. Do you ever feel that way? I’m not normally a weepy and fragile person. Which now that I have written that down, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with being a weepy and fragile person. It’s just not my typical MO.
I lost my job at the beginning of April. It came out of the blue and hurt me so deeply. I’m also weaning off my SSRI. This has been a LONG process, but I really felt like it was right for my health and my body to not be on this medication anymore. (*Many conversations with my doctor and therapist happened before and during this process.) But this greatly exacerbates the fragile feeling. All my emotions and hormones are going freaky crazy and I know they will regulate eventually but right now its pretty intense.
Every piece of me just feels fragile, and I can literally start crying at a moment’s notice. I’m not good with myself when I feel this way. It is my tendency to push through. Push those feelings aside. Keep working. Keep producing. Ignore the fragility and hopefully it will go away. Keep a smile on my face and act like everything is FINE! Never admit weakness!
I don’t think that is the answer right now though.
At the end of March I really felt like God was telling me that my word for this quarter was going to be “change” and I had no idea what that change looked like, but I wrote it down in my planner and trusted that whatever change was coming, God obviously knew about it before I did. I am not a fan of change. So I wasn’t super stoked that I wrote that down as my “word”. Who wants CHANGE to be their word? Nope. No thank you.
One week into April, I lost my job. I already spend every day feeling not good enough. And this loss only made that feeling worse. I wasn’t even good enough to keep my job. And I had worked so hard to be good at it. I know that isn’t why I lost my job. The client was just going in a different direction. But it is so easy for those thoughts to creep in.
Now I am sitting in this awkward place of “What the heck do I do next?” It feels very midlife crisis-y. I’m 40. Changing careers. I’ll probably sell my house and move. Maybe I should also buy that Mustang I’ve always wanted. (don’t worry I won’t do that) But I’m trying to figure out what to pursue now. What things do I actually enjoy and what things am I actually good at and can I combine those things and somehow turn them into a career?
I play the song by Passion, Shake the Dust Off, over and over. It begins “The King can’t lose His balance, He’s never caught off guard” and it reminds me that God prompted me with the word “change” even before anything happened, and He knew this was coming and He knows what is next.
I’ve already talked about sitting in the discomfort but that keeps coming back to me. I think its time to sit back. Be uncomfortable. Feel the pain. And listen. Listen to what it is saying to me. What things can I learn about yourself or the situation? If you let it, the pain and unease will speak to you. C.S. Lewis says, “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” What is it that God is shouting to me right now?
And I’m going to sit here for a while and be still. And be gentle with my fragile self. I’m going to sit in the discomfort and ask God to show me what the next right thing is. What is it in your life right now that is making you feel fragile? I’d love to hear from you. We can sit in the discomfort together. ❤