May 20th
400 days
The doctors said it would take 400 days to know if the surgeries worked. If my leg would work again. If I would walk. If I would ever feel anything. If I would be able to move my ankle and toes.
400 days.
Well time is up. Its been 400 days. It seems like it should be a huge milestone, but I’m sitting in a coffee shop and life is going on around me as normal. I don’t feel different today than I did yesterday. I don’t know what I expected of my 400 days. I think I expected that it would arrive and I would be back to normal. But that isn’t the case. I’m not normal. I don’t think my leg feels more than it did yesterday. I can feel things all the way down to my toes: if I rub it really hard or spray water from the shower on it. But it is by no means normal. I can go some days without wearing my brace, which is awesome, but it gives me a more defined limp and I walk much slower. My ankle is getting stronger, but my calf is still non-existent. I don’t think it will ever come back to what it was before. I still have a lot of pain there.
Today should be the ending of my book. TODAY IS THE END! I mean it’s not really the end of anything. It’s just the end of my 400 days. But that’s what I wanted my book to be about. This blog post should be a summary. It is my final chapter. The conclusion of my book. What do I want my conclusion to be. What is the takeaway? What have I learned in these 400 days? I don’t know. I just don’t. I don’t know how to put it into words. But I need to. That’s the point right? The point of writing a book. Is that I can put into words what I am learning. What I have learned.
I have learned that I am still telling an old story about who I am. After reading Shauna’s blog: Getting Out of a Life Rut, I realized I read the whole thing completely agreeing. Yes, that’s who I am. The chubby, funny girl. The sidekick. I am telling an old story about myself. That’s not who I want to be anymore. In The Holiday, Kate Winslet’s character, Iris, comes to the same realization when talking to her neighbor, Arthur.
Arthur: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
Iris: You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life! Arthur, I’ve been going to a therapist for three years, and she’s never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.
This bomb should change my life. I should be changed. I should stop telling that old story. It isn’t who I am anymore. I think that’s a lot of what these 400 days were about. I should have used them more wisely. I should have figured this out before day 400. Have I essentially wasted 400 days of my life? Or have all these days been the culmination of this learning curve?
I need to start living the life I want to have. I can’t keep moping around waiting for something to happen to me. I need to stop acting like the best friend and start being a leading lady.
Allison Vesterfelt wrote a great blog post called Don’t Wait to be Invited to Your Life. She tells a story about how as a child she was always left out and was always waiting to be invited to things, while other children always seemed to be invited and included. But she realized it was because they were constantly putting themselves out there.
“They didn’t need someone to tell them they were good at wall ball, or that they were a great writer, or that they deserved a happy marriage. They already believed those things were true. And because they believed that, they put themselves in the game. They played with a sort of abandon. They got better and better.
I don’t need an invitation. Neither do you. What we need is a little more moxie, a little more guts. We we need is a willingness to know what we want. What we need is to practice, practice, practice—and to make a little room for ourselves on the court. “
I can’t keep waiting to be invited. I can’t keep waiting for something to HAPPEN in my life. I need to start living the life I want and I need to start being the person I want to be. I need to stop telling that old story about myself. I’ve had 400 days. As this concluding chapter closes, how am I going to change my story for the next 400?
How will you?
Gina DiMartino 
One thing I’ve always promised myself as I’ve “aged” is that I would NEVER stop learning from anyone and everyone. That I wouldn’t be afraid of new things and younger viewpoints and the next generation’s insights. You, my dear, are an inspiration to my heart…one of those thoughtful, younger women that – by baring her soul – teaches me things. This was so timely for me today – and I read the other two posts you linked to as well. {and I love The Holiday!} I’m stepping off a cliff and venturing out towards some pretty radical changes for my health/weight…and the thought to not keep retelling my same old story is a very motivating thought! Thanks for this! One thing my older self would share with you is to always remember that grace that holds on to us and to be as kind to yourself as you possibly can be….it’s one of those very fine lines we have to learn to walk in life…to continually challenge ourselves without being too hard on ourselves!!
Hi Gina,
Can’t know what you’ve been through and what you are continuing to go through. I am holding you up in prayer for emotional & physical healing. I will ask the ladies in our community group this evening to pray for you as well. Jump into Jesus’ lap and feel his warm & loving arms wrapped around you tightly because he knows you’re struggling.
Blessings,
Marilyn
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Gina, I’m so proud of you and this post is a beautiful, and critical realization. I love reading your blog because as your friend, I feel I know you well, but then I read and I find out more…. thanks for sharing who you are, leading lady.
Gina, I love reading your blog and I don’t know you very well! I really appreciate your truth and determination. Many of us don’t come to the realization that we have been living “the old story of ourselves” for way too long! That insight alone is HUGE!
With two kids off to college, I am rediscovering who I am, aside from my role as wife and mother. I recently stepped out of my comfort zone and turned a hobby into a business; it has been fun and scary and a great learning experience! I have no idea where it will go, but the fact that I am trying something new is exciting for me!
So how will I change my next 400 days? By doing more of the same – stepping out of my comfort zone in many areas of my life to see what the Lord has waiting for me!
And something tells me that you will too!
There’s no such thing as a wasted day with God. Even if we can’t see it, he’s using tiny circumstances to shape and mold us into the image of Christ. I heard a great piece of advice the other day – don’t think inside the box, don’t even think outside the box. Think like there is no box.
God has no box.
The bomb is just a part of your story, not the beginning, not the main event, and definitely not the end 🙂